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B "Diddy" M
Member
Posts: 295

For those of you unfamiliar with me "in real life," my name is Brian and I'm a Psychology Major. I mention this because, 1) My post *WILL* be about psychology and 2) I make a habit of putting too much information about myself on the internet for potential predators. Also, I'm a Senior Year Psychology Major so don't worry about me doing the whole, "I'm a psych major and can psychoanalyze anything that moves thing."

(Sarcasm on the 2nd point btw)

Anyway, I am currently on a "revival" of sorts. Upon examining my life, I have noticed I am rather reclusive. Now, don't mistake that for unfriendly - I merely tend to have periods of time where I go to work, come home and keep to myself / my girlfriend / a very few number of friends via video gaming. Also, I tend to have spurts of angst admidst this that cause me to be tense and irritable. Why am I telling you this? Because discovering this about me led me to this revival I spoke of.

I get angry. Not too much, but I do. And regretably, I have a very hard to deal with angry side. You see, having been a psychology student for as long as I have been, you're taught to look into emotions and people in general. Don't mistake this for psycho-analyzing though. This is your basic, "I can see when someone is upset" kind of stuff. Now, for me, this has been kind of easy to do for years. People change when they're upset. Their voice, dictation, tone, body and a great deal of other things twist depending on their current emotion. For me- well I should say "Angry Me" - I use that to my advantage. I can see when someone is grasping for straws, I can see them becoming more emotional and I strike. I know what to say, how to say it and when to say it. Its all about the heat of the argument: think about the last time you got angry and argued with someone. Try to analyze it and you'll see you tend to almost blur out. The anger drives you at that point and you become focused on one thing: Winning. Winning your argument. Proving the other person wrong; and most importantly, making the other person FEEL like you won. Its typically seen as the default response to anger, but a lot of us take it to the next level.

I figured this out during a regretable argument with my girlfriend. For the sake of our collective privacy, i won't go into detail on the argument itself, but I did what I usually do. It became a power grab - Who was going to win? I would claim things were *ALWAYS* like (x) or (x) constantly happened. I would twist things in my head in a way to make me win and wouldn't you know it, sometimes I would. But in the end, I left someone I love feeling horrible because of anger.

I realized this fact mid argument recently. I had taken a deep breath and was about to rant about whatever it was, and realized something; We were both terribly angry with each other. We had fires in our eyes - I'm sure most of you have been in this situation one time or another. As I looked at her, I kind of began to melt. You know how I mentioned I can see when people are upset? Well, in a moment of clarity, I saw her pain. She was angry but she was also scared. She was sad. Instantly, I realized it was wrong - it wasn't worth it. I love her more than anything and we've been through a lot together. We've become best friends and would do anything for each other. Why would I want to win? What does it do? Who does it help? Where does it lead us? It was at this moment that I realized just how far I had gone away from the "Old me."

Tangent number two folks; wild ride isn't it? :

For those of you who don't know me on a personal level, I am a very happy person. I don't get "down" much. This is because I have always been the kind of person who cheers up easily and stays positive. I also try to do things with friends and stay in communication with them. I love a good video game party or BATTLE NIGHT!! I like watching moviesm hanging out etc. I also try to be helpful. My passion in life is helping people improve their lives. I seek it out at times even! That's how I picture myself. I think of myself as a Kind person who is happy and here to help. Is that concieted? Perhaps to some, but everyone needs to have a positive outlook on themselves, no? The reason I mention this is because it is how I see myself. Always. Its my default mode so to speak. Think to yourself, "Who am I?" Now, save some people who tend to look at themselves in a lower state of mind, you have some good points, right? Intelligent, attractive, kind, compassionate, hard-working, etc etc etc. "Why is this important, Brian?" some of you may ask - its important because it blinds us to what we are. What we TRULY are.

I saw a picture recently that sums up my thoughts well. It read: "Your friend that is the nicest person you know, but isn't nice your waiter isn't nice." When "nice" people do something, its easy to get caught up in defending yourself. If you have a bad waiter, get angry and start causing a seen it was the waiter's fault, right? If you are late for work and the person in front of you is going slow, you have every right to be angry with them right? And despite how mad you get or what you do, you're still "nice." In basic terms, it is faulty logic. Think about it - if you're late for work and someone is going slow, who is at fault: the person who is taking his time going to work or the person who left late for (x) reason? The person going slow is merely an object to blame - to displace the blame from yourself. Nice people grasp that they shouldn't target other people; they should be kind to them. As a group, people tend to displace blame in order to avoid dealing with their own faults. I was among them.

I blame people. "Man, I shouldn't have gotten a bad grade on that test. The teacher didn't tell me that inverse trig functions were going to be on that test! Its his fault!" or "We wouldn't have lost that match if it wasn't for the freaking 'Support' Heimerdiner in bot lane with me!" In all honesty, its because we have a tendency to not blame ourselves. If YOU make a bad grade on a test (outstanding circumstances not included), can you honestly say you studied enough? I know I can't. I'll complain about test grades knowing I spent maybe 1 hour before the test studying. In LoL, I'll blame a loss on people who, while they may not be helping, didn't impact my ability to do well. If I was truly innocent in our loss, should I not have been able to put up some good resistance, make it a good match and be okay with the outcome? Or at the very least surrender and move on. But now, I deflect, get angry and watch the world burn.

THE EXCITING CONCLUSION!!!!

I get terribly angry. I blame others. I aim to win argument without a thought as to the consquences. That's what *I* do. I'm sure most of us here attempt to, in one way or another, analyze other people. In all honesty though, how often do you truly look at yourself without bias? How often do you go about doing things that aren't necessarily "good" things but don't take the blame yourself? For me, that was this past week. Don't get me wrong; none of us are defined by these bits of rage. None of us are mean simply because we do a few mean things - that's not what I'm saying. What I am saying is that everyone needs to be aware of what they are doing. If you are being mean or screaming at someone, don't try to justify it. Think about what you're doing. 9 times out of 10, you will probably realize it is not the right thing to do. And in regards to the, "Old me, Angry me" etc - I use these as an example. We all go through "phases" so to speak. Angry versions; Sad versions; happy versions, but the *MAIN* you, the one you would see as the default is who you are. You may be nice. You may be funny and intelligent; regardless of what it is, it defines you. Its what you should strife to be as often as possible.The "current me" is exhausted, irritable, cranky and currently very anti-social. Is that me? No, its a phase I'm going through and, ultimately I will be back at my old, happy self but in the meantime, I had a challenge for myself:

If I can understand so much about me and my personality, can I not drive it? Can I not push myself to be the person I see myself being; a person I can be proud of? I should aim for being the "Best" me that I can at all times instead of going through these phases of life. Get in an argument? Remain focused on the problem - not the end result. Don't aim to hurt others or offend and when they do it to you, bring it back to the problem. That guy going slow in front of me while I'm late? Accept that *I* should have left earlier. A troll costing me a win in a video game? Its a video game; yes it is frustrating but at the end of the day, I should be focused on the fun. Doing all of these things can make me into the person I want to be.


Sorry for the wall of text and I also apologize if this seems trivial, concieted , non-sensical or flat out ignorant. I just wanted to type out my thoughts and share them with you. Hear what you're going through or what you have gone through, perhaps Also, typing this here makes me have a since of dedication. Its almost like my signature on a form saying, "I WILL strive to do better and be a better person in life."

(P.S. My Girlfriend and I are extremely happy and have no problems; just a disclaimer to avoid any possible negativity :D )

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December 13, 2012 at 3:14 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Crimson DESTR0YA
Administrator
Posts: 1888

This is easily one of the best pieces of work to ever grace this forum. It's rare to see such a personal and thought-out post anywhere on the internet, but this is the kind of community I've long hoped we'd be, so I applaud this post.


For my part, I'm in a transition myself. I'm coming up on a year now dating Casey (Tamoria), and I can't even begin to say how much she's taught me about myself. Our similarities drew us together; since we first met, we discovered that our brains operate on just about the exact same wavelength. We are also both total and unapologetic nerds and we're both naturally introverted. There's one fundamental difference between us, though, and it may be my favorite element of our relationship, if I had to pick just one: her optimism and my pessimism. In truth, we're both realistic thinkers; in no way is she "sunshine and puppy dogs" all the time, likewise, I doubt if anyone who truly knew me would say I'm "storm clouds, doom and gloom" myself. But she definitely airs on the positive side of realism, I on the negative. We buffer each other wonderfully. But even more so, she's teaching me how to be realistically optimistic, too. How to see things from a better viewpoint without lying to yourself.


I definitely think I'm a better person than I was a year ago, but I'm still in the process of fully learning how to improve. Definitely on the up-swing, without question.


Thanks for a great post, Brian.

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The destructor has gone

December 13, 2012 at 4:14 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Cecil-Jacobs
Member
Posts: 739

Gotta agree with Nick here, I can tell you had to have thought about that post a lot before making it and I can appreciate you opening youself up like that, especially on the interent where strangers like me could read. (We aren't 100% strangers though no? We did go to High School together right? Alongside being on PR as well)


I have to say I realized many of the same things you have not too long ago. I think it shows that you are growing up, being able to see the big picture about things and recognising that we're all humans in this together instead of individuals apart. 

I wish more people thought like you are now. It sounds a bit idealistic but I believe it would really help people be kinder to each other if they saw things that way.

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It sounds like you and Tam really compliment each other Nick. That's really nice dude. I'm happy for the both of you!


Hope you guys don't mind me interjecting on this. I know I'm not always the most reliable member of the group so I don't know if I am in the right giving my opinion.

--

Ask me about my waifus

"I'm happy to report that my inner child is still ageless". James Broughton

December 14, 2012 at 12:11 AM Flag Quote & Reply

Crimson DESTR0YA
Administrator
Posts: 1888

What are you talking about CJ? You, X, and Diddy are the only reasons this site is even still up. I wouldn't tell any member of PR they can't give their opinion on anything, but telling you that seems downright absurd! You are always a VIP here, man. Always.


Thanks for the well-wishes too, that means a lot. Especially considering you're the only reason we even met, I'd say we both owe you a ton. I, for one, am incredibly grateful. I've kind of been waiting a long time to tell you that, too... Just another reason I'm glad you're gracing us with your presence once again =)


OT, I agree with CJ fully, even if many of my reclusive actions actively defy the ideals you expressed. I am working on it, though, and as I mentioned, Casey's warmth is helping. And yes, we all went to high school together. Personally, I have known Brian since he moved here in 2000, when we were in the 4th grade.

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The destructor has gone

December 14, 2012 at 1:33 AM Flag Quote & Reply

B "Diddy" M
Member
Posts: 295

Thank you for all the kind words here! It really means a lot.

I personally have a lot to thank for my recent realizations, but I do agree with you CJ; it comes with growing up. I think we can all look back on our lives and see a point where we were selfish or angsty, but we develop past it. While I didn't have the selfish part as much, I was definitely beginning to get angsty so this came at the perfect time for me. Either way, I'm glad I could identify with it as I have.

In fact, although this seems contrary to the "nice" portion of this wall of text, I was just thinking the other day about how adults seem to be regressing to teenager mentalities due to Facebook. Now, its not due SOLELY to Facebook, but I have a few friends whose mom / dad / stepparents are on FB and wow... the stuff you see there. I won't go into detail but it is almost as if they are becoming angsty themselves - which is odd considering some of them are 45+ years old.

All in all, I appreciate all of your kind words. And I feel ya Nick; Having someone to help push you makes it easier. Honestly, I've felt more like myself now than I have in awhile. Again, I agree with Nick on you should comment on anything you want, CJ. I remember when it was essentially just the three of us for like... an entire summer lol.

Yeah, we went to High School together. I was a member of Band though so I was always in the band hall / with the band people. Good times, good time.

Wow.. 2000. I forgot it had been *THAT* long. I almost forgot I had actually moved to Ward from Jacksonville too. On a side note, I remember those erasers, Nick. I also remember, much to my dismay, having a tantrum because you didn't let my Charizard use Thunder against your Blastoise because he "couldn't learn Thunder." Turns out that little kid Brian confused Dragonite for Charizard btw ;)

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December 14, 2012 at 9:07 AM Flag Quote & Reply

Crimson DESTR0YA
Administrator
Posts: 1888

Oh god, I remember that too XD We didn't talk for like, 2 weeks after that. Oh, little kids.


Completely agree with the Facebook thing, by the way. People are steadily evolving backwards.

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The destructor has gone

December 14, 2012 at 6:12 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Cecil-Jacobs
Member
Posts: 739

I never would have said that Nick, but I guess yeah you are right. I was actually really jealous at first when you two started talking, not so sure why.

My girlfriend is utterly convinced Facebook is ruining our society lol. I dont think so extremely, but I definately see where she is coming from. I personally plan on deleting or vastly minimizing mine once out of College. the only reason I keep with it as I do is because my teachers use it for thier classes.

Are you guys on break now from School?

--

Ask me about my waifus

"I'm happy to report that my inner child is still ageless". James Broughton

December 15, 2012 at 5:33 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Crimson DESTR0YA
Administrator
Posts: 1888

I'd have been jealous too, in your shoes, but I doubt I would have been man enough to make that admission. I'm very sorry if that caused a rift in our friendship, though =/


I don't think Facebook is ruining our society, but I do think it's serving as a looking glass and, at times, a catalyst for an already crumbling one. Hopefully though, the Mayans will be right and zombies will come next week and none of this will matter (I know the Mayans didn't actually say zombies, it's just what I'm rooting for [I also know this is all bullshit, I'm just having fun with it {I also really like parentheses}]).


And yes, I am on break. Think we can organize something for next week?

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The destructor has gone

December 15, 2012 at 10:52 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Cecil-Jacobs
Member
Posts: 739

Well I wouldn't say anything if it wasn't water under the bridge. I was coming from a bad time during then, so I wouldn't even begin to know what the true cause was.


Anyway, next week is rocking for me. I would love to do something. Anything. I joined the Pokemon club at my school but it is awful. I was the only person in the room who knew what EVs were. I was in battles with people who had to ask me what move types were supper-effective vs. my Pokemon. And there is like 20 people in that club too!

--

Ask me about my waifus

"I'm happy to report that my inner child is still ageless". James Broughton

December 15, 2012 at 11:25 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Crimson DESTR0YA
Administrator
Posts: 1888

I'll neither pry nor speculate, but the bad time you speak of could be all it was. I was miserable pretty much all throughout high school, and jealous of most everyone I knew who wasn't. Whatever the case is, you'll get no judgments from me, man.


I have at least a decent 5th Gen battling presence now, along with my already strong 4th Gen presence. 4th will always be the generation I prefer, but I haven't had a battle since late July so I'd probably be equally rusty either way. And, by the sounds of how your Pokemon club experience went, I'd say that puts us on equal footing.


I'd totally love a club like that, even if it was full of nubs. Perhaps you could teach them, make them your disciples? God knows the game would be so much more fun if people played the way you do.


At any rate, if Diddy and X see this soon, perhaps they can post their schedules and we can come to a day next week that's good for four or five of us to show up and play.

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The destructor has gone

December 15, 2012 at 11:54 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Cecil-Jacobs
Member
Posts: 739

Oh if you were curious I could always talk about it lol. I mean this thread is for our personal ramblings no? I'm just the kind of person to go into my personal life unless asked. I'm pretty nonwithholding if I am asked.


If anything those club guys like me even less for schooling them. It isn't like I brag or anything, they just don't like seeing the 4 lv.100 Pokemon they sunk years into getting owned by a Kangaskan (or something equally strong but usually unused. You know how I work :) )

I'll see what next semester brings, for now I am looking forward to battling against you guys.  Especially 5th gen since we all seem to be in the midst of growing in that department.

--

Ask me about my waifus

"I'm happy to report that my inner child is still ageless". James Broughton

December 16, 2012 at 10:52 AM Flag Quote & Reply

Mitsuo-Dexl
Member
Posts: 575

RANDOM INTERJECTION, GO!

Really late on replying to this, but hey, I just got back. I had a similar realization as Brian
not too long ago. Only difference was I was incredibly upset when I came to that realization, and it wasn't until I calmed down much later that the realization became less negative and contrived to essentially when Brian discovered. Odd we all had similar realizations in roughly the same time period. Or is it?

At any rate, that was a good read, Brian. Thanks for sharing.

--

"Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like bananas."

December 16, 2012 at 3:11 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Xelakian
Member
Posts: 486
I've been reading this off and on this whole weekend. Since I've joined the navy, I've grown up alot. I'll be more than willing to go into more detail at a later time, when I'm at my computer vice my phone. As far as pokemon goes, my schedule is difficult. Almost anything you could schedule I would not be present for. I'm trying to post content when I'm able, but work and sleep come first.
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Friend Code: 1006-1639-8826

December 16, 2012 at 4:11 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Cecil-Jacobs
Member
Posts: 739

Work and sleep should take priority!

--

Ask me about my waifus

"I'm happy to report that my inner child is still ageless". James Broughton

December 16, 2012 at 5:46 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Crimson DESTR0YA
Administrator
Posts: 1888

^Absolutely. Just come back to us when you can.

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The destructor has gone

December 16, 2012 at 6:44 PM Flag Quote & Reply

B "Diddy" M
Member
Posts: 295

In my opinion, a lot of this has to come with growing up - letting go of old hang ups and selfishness particularly. Also, it comes with being able to objectively look at your own life and know what is right or wring about it.

I won't say Facebook is ruining society (despite the fact that I do despise social media's impact on children), but it *IS* making adults recede to their teenager years. A lot of them anyway. Its no secret that adults, as they get older, tend to "de-age" themselves and do all the things they wanted to as kids. Social Media enables adults to get into touch with old friends, old flames, and in general, the younger demographic. This in turn fuels them to go party or whatever the hell it is that they do. This is only my opinion though. And I don't honestly blame Facebook because it could have been anything: Adults will always jump on anything they can find to feel young again.

As for the "social media destroying children" thing I mentioned earlier, it kind of puts kids into a position to be constantly on computers. Now, I was constantly on computers when I was a kid so that in itself doesn't bother me, its just that they shouldn't be (in my opinion) doing "social" things at that age. They put a lot of information out there that is best kept secret. Also, that is pushes a lot of bad things (I'm looking at you half naked women that use the duck face).

Back on topic though, its been almost a week since I posted this and do feel much better about life. I feel more driven at work and much less anxious during the day. I think having a goal and pushing yourself constantly, as cliche as it is, is probably the absolute best thing a person can do during the young adult years. Doing this now, as opposed to 40 years from now, will surely benefit us a lot.

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December 18, 2012 at 4:08 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Cecil-Jacobs
Member
Posts: 739

I agree. I never understood the real value in setting goals and doing work until I reached the second half of college. Now I look back on my life and think "But you had all that free time! You could be drawing like Da Vinci by now if you had only practiced!"

But ah, such is life.

Good to hear you feel better Diddy!

--

Ask me about my waifus

"I'm happy to report that my inner child is still ageless". James Broughton

December 18, 2012 at 5:18 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Mitsuo-Dexl
Member
Posts: 575

I have to agree, as well.  Some of the best periods of my life that I can remember and that I have been through recently are when I have a goal in mind, and I am working to reach that goal.

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"Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like bananas."

December 18, 2012 at 6:54 PM Flag Quote & Reply

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