Predictable Randomness


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Forum Home > Original Writings > Ode to Rain and Lethargy

Vesicant Lemur
Posts: 98

I believe it was Sunday night when I sat down to write an e-mail to a friend of mine. It had been a long, rainy and melancholy day. I was in a strange mood. The e-mail quickly turned into something entirely different. Something purple and prose-y. Here are the results:

This story is very loosly based on events which may or may not be partially and/or wholly ficticious. A grain of salt is advised.


As I sit here in my chair at 6:40pm grazing on a meal most delicious acquired from the local Sonic drive-thru, I pause to ponder the unusual day this has been.

If we're being pedantic and saying the day begins at midnight, then round-about's where I shall begin. I'd been in bed for a few hours already, happily snoozing away while my live-in troll with a nationality disability and his friends, all of whom were well on their way to journeying the cosmos with a little negro-chemical assistance, decided in their inspired state that it would be a grand idea to cook several pizzas in the oven at the same time. They were quite hungry, you see, and did not want to wait on the pizzas to cook individually.


One of the gastronomical engineers raised an important question, "If we cook multiple faux Italian vegetable pastries at once, mustn't we also necessarily raise the temperature and cooking time, so that all are equally cooked?"

Some of them mulled it over for a few seconds, while others scarcely even comprehended the question. They came to a consensus. This was the course of action they would take, eventually leading down the road to unending torment and despair.

After loading the oven to the brim with the fruits of the miniature pizza tree and skimming the packaging for cooking directions, they applied a dash of stoned arithmetic to scale the temperature and time to the amount of pizzas they planned to consume. I know not how long nor how hot they cooked their much desired meal, but I do know one thing:

They fucked up.

An undetermined amount of time later, after consuming copious amounts of cheap pisswater and animated teacher-student "relations", they had long forgotten about the pastries. As there was already a haze covering the living area formed from paraphernalia of all sorts, they did not notice the smoke or smell pouring forth from the oven. They did not notice the increase in room temperature as miniature pizzas cooked, charred, then finally set ablaze. They did not notice the siren wail of the fire alarms warning them of their imminent doom. It was not until the flame escaped it's ceramic prison that they finally took notice. But it was far too late. The legion of demonic beings locked away into those "Always Save" brand pizzas by nefarious batter-witches had been released.

I was finally awoken by the sounds of screaming and the smell of pizza. As I entered into the living area, I was met with a strange sight. Strewn across the floor were my housemate and his friends screaming and fending off phantom flames. When they finally took notice of me standing dumbfounded by this foolish sight, they warned me of the wrath of the pizza demons enslaved by corporate nighthags. I hadn't a clue what to make of this scene, until the sweet, pungent smell of combusted cannabis wafted into my nostrils. I simply replied:

"Ya'll niggas high as fuck."


Life is Absurd. Chill out. Don't give a fuck.

December 10, 2011 at 9:46 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Crimson DESTR0YA
Posts: 1888

This is art. I don't care what anyone says. I lol'd. Lots. This voice is exactly why we need you here, Lemur.

Speaking of, I'm nearing the end of my finals, so I think I'll go prepare a "let's come back for real this time" post.


The destructor has gone

December 10, 2011 at 10:38 PM Flag Quote & Reply

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