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Crimson DESTR0YA
Posts: 1888

I don't know how many of you have 3DS's or are planning to get 3DS's, but maybe this breakdown of the most exciting game to come to the 3DS so far will help you decide.

For starters, it has the laziest title of all time, even by Mario Kart naming standards. The rest of the games just had the name of the console slapped onto the end of "Mario Kart," except for Double Dash, the only game in the franchise to have an actual subtitle. But Mario Kart 7? Really Nintendo? Yes, it is the 7th Mario Kart game, but there was no Mario Kart 6, or 5, or even 2. It simply makes no sense to call it Mario Kart 7 when none of the other games in the franchise have their number in the title. What's wrong with Mario Kart 3D, honestly? At least that's consistent.

Stupid-ass name aside, I have a few more gripes about this game. For instance, don't you hate how imbalanced the items were in Mario Kart Wii? Didn't you want to throw your Wii Wheel through the TV every single time you played because of an inopportune Blue Shell or inexplicable bounce by a Green Shell that took you from 1st to 8th in a half a second? Well, don't expect that to be any different here. This game is every bit as haxy as MK Wii. The difference is, in the Wii version, even on 150CC the AI was about as smart as Michelle Bachmann, so sometimes you COULD simply race with such skill that you could overcome the hax. But the Mario Kart 7 150CC AI is good. Scary good. 150CC is a legitimate challenge even if everything goes right. So you have to overcome that AND the fact that it's virtually impossible to hold down first place for more than 15 seconds before inevitable item rape? I'm afraid so. In this game, even moreso than Mario Kart Wii, luck is more important than skill. Why Nintendo continues to go out of their way to make the game this way baffles and frustrates me to the point of swearing to never play again.


Except, I can't really quit because it's fucking Mario Kart. And as always, it's so goddamn fun and addicting when everything is going right, it's simply impossible to put it down for long, no matter how many Blue Shells they cram up your ass.

It's got the same great graphics, music, and overall fluidity you expect by now out of Mario Kart. If they'd just balance it out to the point where doing everything right actually makes you win, this would be a perfect game. That more than anything is what frustrates me so much about these games; the hax is literally the only flaw. But it's SUCH a flaw, and it's SO annoying, and it makes me want to do unspeakable things to my 3DS that I still can't help but get too mad to play it every third Grand Prix attempt or so.

This isn't a port of MK Wii; as usual, there are eight GPs of four races each; four of the Grand Prixs are completely new tracks, and the other four feature re-skins of courses from previous systems.

The new courses are mostly good; I'm not in love with any of them, but I don't really hate any of them either. The new Bowser's Castle is nightmarishly hard and the new Rainbow Road is gorgeous and at times the new features feel forced in there; the standard reactions to new Mario Kart courses.

I'm a little pissed at them about that, too; namely, in their choices to represent Mario Kart 64, still the One True Mario Kart. They chose Luigi's Raceway, Koopa Troopa Beach (renamed simply "Koopa Beach"), and Kalamari Desert.

Luigi's Raceway? Really? The single easiest track of all time? Sure, it still gives me major nostalgia to zip around to its familiar tune (another thing I do like: they directly ported the original soundtracks for the old courses, no goofy remix shit), but come on! There are so many better courses you could have chosen from!

Koopa Troopa Beach (fuck them, I refuse to omit "Troopa," that's its fucking name goddammit), sadly, has gone the way of Pam Anderson; used to be beautiful, but has since had so many facelifts, it's now unrecognizeable. They ruined the shortcut in this remake, and really the course just feels too easy now.

Kalamari Desert, I can say nothing bad about. It's the same old track with the same old music and I love it. The Star-through-the-train-tunnel shortcut has been removed, but that was a glitch anyway so I'm fine with that.

Notice something else about these three? Yeah. They're all from the fucking MUSHROOM CUP. You picked three of the easiest courses in the whole game and used them to represent MK64. Where's Wario Stadium? Royal Raceway? Can you imagine Toad's Turnpike in 3D, all the cars and trucks whizzing by you as you play? That'd be fucking awesome!

They included some other retro courses I like from other games, like Bowser's Airship from MKDS and Mushroom Gorge from MK Wii, but I'm too mad about the insult to MK64 to truly enjoy those.

Oh, the characters. First of all, I'll tell you right now, if you want to unlock the new stuff, start right off with 150CC; beating any and all the Grand Prixs on 50 and 100CCs gets you NOTHING. Don't waste your time.

You may not want to waste your time period... there are eight unlockable characters, plus your Mii, who you unlock by beating Special Cup on any difficulty (okay, that's one thing 50CC is useful for...). And I have to say, this is the area I feel they failed us in the most. They got rid of lots of characters from MK Wii, lots of popular characters. I won't spoil anything for you in case you wanna surprise yourself, but I will say this: beat the new courses first. The rewards for beating the retro tracks suck BALLS. They brought in a few obscure characters that no one really likes and expect us to be happy with them. Just... when you see them, you may weep.

With one exception... all I'll say is, the first goal you should have in mind is to beat Special Cup on 150CC. The character you unlock by doing that may be the single coolest unlockable in any Mario Kart game ever. Cooler than Dry Bowser. Cooler than that stupid Parade Kart in Double Dash. This character is legitimately awesome. Other than this one unlockable though, they're largely a waste of time, and definitely don't make me happy that I spent all the time I did unlocking them. Other than that one, the rest of them leave you wondering either "why is this one unlockable?" or "why is this one even in the game?" But still, that one almost makes it all worth it...

There are a few new items, and a few got tweaked for the better, I think. I'll let you discover the new shit for yourself. One revolutionary change to items though that helps remove the sting of the haxiness just a little bit is that you can see what everyone is holding on the bottom screen. What's more, I've found the CPU opponents tend to hold onto whatever they got for a few seconds, as if they WANT you to have time to see it. This can be absolutely huge, so you can actually prepare for that Blue Shell that's about to hit you. Just slam on your breaks, let second place zoom on ahead, and watch as HE gets raped by the Blue Shell and you zip on back to your rightful place in 1st. I've used that trick multiple times now and I have to appluad them for that particular addition.

All things considered, by normal game standards, I'd give this one a 9/10, simply because it is almost never-ending fun and Mario Kart games are always excellent. By Mario Kart standards, however... I can't go higher than a 6/10. The new stuff is cool, but I can't help but feel underwhelmed by the unlockable characters, new tracks, and weak customization offerings. You can't even make your own logo anymore, like you could in MKDS! I feel they could have done so much more with this, but instead, it's just another Mario Kart game. Which is still excellent, and if you have a 3DS, definitely get it, but don't get a 3DS just so you can play this.


The destructor has gone

December 8, 2011 at 5:29 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Vesicant Lemur
Posts: 98

Only barely related to the topic at hand, but when the hell did we get to Mario Kart 7?!

Nintendo must have been in my blind-spot for the past few years if this got by me.


Life is Absurd. Chill out. Don't give a fuck.

December 10, 2011 at 9:32 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Crimson DESTR0YA
Posts: 1888

1. Super Mario Kart

2. Mario Kart 64

3. Mario Kart Advance

4. Mario Kart: Double Dash!!

5. Mario Kart DS

6. Mario Kart Wii

7. Mario Kart 7


The destructor has gone

December 10, 2011 at 10:28 PM Flag Quote & Reply

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