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Crimson DESTR0YA
Administrator
Posts: 1888

Those of you who have been active on this site know that I have been exactly the opposite. You also know this isn't the first time I've taken such an absence. For any of you lurkers or new members who don't know me, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Nick, and I am a co-founder and sole remaining administrator of this website. I helped start this website in October 2009 half as a joke, half as a testament to a friendship I no longer have with a person I haven't talked to in three years. In the time since then, this site has slowly grown into a pretty sweet little online community. At varying times and with varying levels of activity, this site has given me a chance to interact with my oldest friends, former classmates I didn't get to know very well in high school, former classmates I didn't know at all in high school, even a total stranger who I'd later discover is the love of my life.


Let me get to the point. In my time as the sole proprietor of this website, we've lost far more members than we've gained and activity has never been steady for more than about a month at a time. I haven't finished a project I've started since my Pearl Nuzlocke in January 2011. I've been mildly supportive of my friends' projects in the meantime, but never for very long at a time. I've added no new features, given no real attempt to branch us out, given none of my own friends a single reason to come here and yet miraculously I still have two or three of you here. I apologize to all of you who read this message and care, and I offer you an explanation for why I'm so bad at this. Not an excuse, just an explanation.


I suffer from crippling anxiety. I have my entire life, I've only known it for a comparatively short while. I'm currently seeing two different doctors who have me somewhere in between obsessive-compulsive disorder and schizoid personality disorder. You don't need to know my whole life's story or every single tick that sets me off, but as far as the members of this website are concerned, what you need to know is that on any given day, social interaction hurts me. Like, it causes me actual physical pain. Usually in my stomach, sometimes in the form of mild cramps and nausea, or if I'm really adamant in fighting it, in the form of ceaseless vomiting or the effective shutdown of my digestive system as a whole. I spend much of my life detached from the present moment, to the point at which I often feel disoriented or that full hours have passed without my knowledge. It was only about a week ago that I realized I haven't actually posted here for a MONTH. I really had no idea I'd been that absent until that recently.


If you're wondering how I function like this, the simple answer is I don't. I live at home, I don't drive, I don't work, and whenever I do it's digging holes and laying concrete with my dad. I can count on one hand the number of romantic relationships I've ever had in my life, with my current one being the only one that ever lasted more than a month or so (if any of the other ones even counted as "relationships"... I don't really know, dating is stupid, I've never understood it). I am a chronically horrible friend; how much I like you or care about you is irrelevant, and if I ignore you, it's not a sign of any flaw in you or any wrong you've committed. It's not a sign of anything other than sometimes I'm scared to check my phone because I'm afraid someone might have tried to contact me. And then I'd have to answer them. I know I have the best friends in the world because anyone who would call me a friend with all my bullshit has the patience of a fucking saint. And for Casey to be able to say she loves me knowing all this? I think that makes her crazier than me. I'm basically completely useless. The fact that I even graduated high school is a small miracle; I spent every minute of every hour of every day of every week of all thirteen goddamned years in school afraid. CJ, remember those phone lessons we'd do twice a week in Japanese? Jesus, I wanted to blow my brains out before each and every one. College was better, at least the tiny one I went to was, but I have no visions of ever going to a bigger, scarier one with actual expectations. If I did it'd be a complete waste of time because I'd be too scared to ever go in for a job interview, let alone actually show up and interact with people all day. I sound like I hate people. I don't. I'm just scared of them. I act like I hate them sometimes because hate is easier than fear. It sure feels better. Fuck, anything feels better than fear.


Look, I don't know what this is, but I'm seeking treatment now. I don't know what to expect; some days I'm sure I'm making progress, some days I'm sure I'm not. My performance on this site is indicitave of the latter, but perhaps this message is indicative of the former. At any rate, I want to admit what I've known for a long time: I am not fit to run this site. If any of you feel you have the time and care to admin this site, let me know and I'll give you a set of keys. I want to keep my admin status as well; if I ever do decide to finish aPokélypse Now or write any new projects, I'd love to keep the ability to edit typos out of my posts. Plus I guess there's the possibility I may be a redeemable human being who can manage this site someday, but come on. Let's be real here.

--

The destructor has gone

February 3, 2014 at 11:38 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Cecil-Jacobs
Member
Posts: 739

Hey Nick, I thought a while about how to respond back, I'm not the best with words when it matters but I'm trying.


I feel like you are cheapening yourself to say that you are a bad admin or a bad person because you get anxious. You aren't just your anxiety, and I know Casey would agree with me here, because you are so much more. You have a wicked sense of puns and great comidic timing which is a real talent. You've got a wealth of knowledge about some very interesting topics. I didn't know a thing about Baseball until I met you, but now whenever I hear about Derek Jeeter I think of you right after! You've got a lot of empathy for others and a really sharp, analytical mind. I consider you braver than me in some ways even. Pokemon Battles scare the shit out of me as silly as that may sound. You've had way more than I have and that has always impressed me.

Those things are just as much you. So don't forget that!


All I can think to say is that, especially in light of recent tragedy, that I wanna be friends with you. If that means spotty comunication, so be it! You have my permissioin to shoot me a text out of the blue and you most definately have my persmission to respond to any text or call I send you with "Not today". I understand completely! Really I do. One of my closest friends has sever social anxiety when she is outside and absolutely detests interacting with new people. It has taken me 3 years to be able to text her on a whim and that is totally cool, she isn't any less or better of a person for it, she is just a person. You are too. 


That said, I know you have a lot of challenges ahead of you, and we got your back. You are only as alone as you let yourself be.


In truth, I'm just happy to hear from you. I look forward to interacting with you again.

--

Ask me about my waifus

"I'm happy to report that my inner child is still ageless". James Broughton

February 4, 2014 at 10:39 AM Flag Quote & Reply

Crimson DESTR0YA
Administrator
Posts: 1888

Thanks CJ, there's a lot of wisdom in what you said. And I want to say right now that I don't like the note that I ended my initial post on. I don't truly feel that hopeless, not the majority of the time anyway. At the same time when you've spent your whole life watching yourself be unable to do things that (seemingly) all of your peers are able to do, with no tangible explanation for why you alone are lacking in them, it's hard to have a positive self-image. I'm truly very fortunate, in having tremendous support in people like you and Case and many others, and that my family is in a secure enough financial position to support a useless lump like me, much less to help me get the medical help I need to get better.


It's funny you should bring up the battles, really they scare me too. My heart is always pounding through each one. But they're also a tremendous amount of fun for me, and whether I win or lose, it feels great to have a close battle with Pokes I worked hard to train up. When I took that attitude, when I really started caring about having a good game rather than getting a win, that's when it became a lot more fun for me. It took a lot of pressure off and made it more true to what even competitive Pokemon should be at the end of the day: a game.


Thanks for everything you said, man. It means a lot knowing you have my back. I know you get it but I'm still going to try to be a better friend.

--

The destructor has gone

February 4, 2014 at 12:38 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Cecil-Jacobs
Member
Posts: 739

That is huge relief to hear actually, that your heart elevates and adrenaline flows when battling too. 
I had a roommate that discovered the online Pokemon battling system and he would fight battles constantly and I never knew how he was so casual about it. He almost never won, barely knew Pokemon, yet he just kept at it. To me battling is a rare but serious endeavour and it always gets me jittery. Like my fight or flight response kicks in despite there being no real danger. That is why I liked our battle nights, I could have one or two battles and get over myself and then start to enojoy the last two.

--

Ask me about my waifus

"I'm happy to report that my inner child is still ageless". James Broughton

February 4, 2014 at 12:56 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Xelakian
Member
Posts: 486

Last year I went underway for the first time. I was told to qualify a bunch of different things, all while working on the mess decks. I have never been a good juggler, and so inevitably I fell behind in my qualifications. The other members of Engineering Department, frustrated that I wasn't supporting any watchbill, began making life harder for me. Any self-confidence I had disappeared, making the qual process even more difficult. Any time I wasn't working the mess decks in port, I left the boat to try to unwind, try to talk to my wife, dreading encountering anybody who'd recognize me. My quals fell further behind. The cycle repeated itself, resulting in a downward spiral of self-doubt and dread. And it was perhaps the most soul-crushing experience of my life.


I say this, because I want you to know that I understand, at least to some extent, what you are feeling. As I read your post, my mind went back to that time. And though I may not have met you in person like CJ, I have dealt with you a lot on this site. From my very first Nuzlocke, you've been there, helping, supporting, making suggestions and encouraging me to post more. I would not have made it as far as I did were you not there, always at the ready to help me out if and when I needed it. And were it not for that run, aPokelypse Now may never have come to fruition, which is by and large one of the greatest works to come out of this site. And, while I may be the one who seems to resurrect the site every few months, that resurrection is not possible by one person alone. You claim to be a shitty admin. I beg to differ. Were you a shitty admin, you would've abandoned the site altogether, leaving it for the spambots. Even if you don't post new content, even if you don't post at all, I know that you check in here just about everyday.


At the end of the day, this is your site to do with as you please. If you feel you must pass the reins over to another, so be it. But do not doubt your own worth. You are an authority on Pokemon like no other, an extraordinarily well-educated philosopher and a thought-provoking author. You challenge the likes of Smogon. You Nuzlocke. You slay zombies of both the humanoid and pocket monster variety.


You are the Destroyer.

--

Friend Code: 1006-1639-8826

February 4, 2014 at 5:22 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Crimson DESTR0YA
Administrator
Posts: 1888

That name has never meant as much to me as it does right now. I'm gonna cling to that, X, along with your flatteringly high opinion of me. I'm glad to see that in these past few years I've managed to earn such a friend as you.


I know all about failing to meet expectations, especially when those expectations were placed too highly to begin with. So if ever I can help you in return, just let me know. You're an excellent storyteller yourself and a true wizard with words, and never have you proved that to me more than in your words here. Thank you again, my friend.

--

The destructor has gone

February 4, 2014 at 8:46 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Thalia May
Member
Posts: 7
Clearly we need to get you more hookers and blow. In all seriousness, what I remember of you is amazing, and X speaks nothing but great things about you constantly. Cheer up buttercup!!! If you ever need to talk, get my number from X.
February 5, 2014 at 2:06 AM Flag Quote & Reply

Crimson DESTR0YA
Administrator
Posts: 1888

Heh, thanks, will do =)

--

The destructor has gone

February 5, 2014 at 12:53 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Tamoria
Member
Posts: 234

I've always been pretty bad with words, but I feel like CJ really hit on a lot of the things I've been trying to vocalize about all of this. There's so much more to you than just your anxiety. I know it's hard to deal with, but it doesn't make you any less of a person, and I'm really proud of you for everything you've still accomplished. I mean, don't forget, you were the one that reached out to me and that was awfully brave of you, and look where we are now because of it! The fact that this site continues to revive itself is a testament that you created something great and put in effort into it, and I have no doubt we're all incredibly grateful to it for everything it's given us. Be it a creative outlet, a way to keep up with old friends or in my case, make new ones as well as a wonderful relationship, or just a place to chat things out. It's thanks to you! 

I know the anxiety is hard on you but I'm so incredibly proud of you for facing it, and I do fully believe you are making progress. I wholeheartedly support you and I always will. You're a great friend, a wonderful boyfriend, and believe it or not, an absolutely kickass admin that started something beautiful here!

--


February 5, 2014 at 5:57 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Crimson DESTR0YA
Administrator
Posts: 1888

It means the world to hear you say that, love, even though I already knew you'd say it. Thank you for giving me something wonderful to try my hardest for. Giving up is not an option as long as I have you. Nor is being defeated.

--

The destructor has gone

February 6, 2014 at 12:38 AM Flag Quote & Reply

B "Diddy" M
Member
Posts: 295

I was wondering why you had been absent! Of course, I'm not one to talk about that. In refrence to your original post, I would reccommend not beating yourself up about it. I mean, you did start this site and even if its membership is low, we have fun when we are all around. Also, i don't think anyone woul dbe able to have as much genuine interest in all the various projects as you do. Hell, pretty much everyone but you were chiming in a little while back and it just didn't feel the same. You really do make this site something awesome.

Finally, it may not help or anything, but I would be more than happy to talk anytime you need to. I'm the same as you in that i have severe anxiety issues (social ones in particular) and am currently seeking treatment for that, epilepsy and ADD. Also, I'm notorious for not answering messages from people. Not trying to draw attention to me, but rather let you know you're not alone and, if anything, are handling better than most people could. Kudos to you!

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February 7, 2014 at 6:59 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Crimson DESTR0YA
Administrator
Posts: 1888

It's always great to see you show back up, Diddy. Scotty's death really gave me a heightened appreciation for the value of friendship, and you are the oldest friend I have left. And don't worry about drawing attention to yourself, honestly it's nice to know you're going through similar things. I would like to talk to you about it sometime, could you PM me your number?

--

The destructor has gone

February 7, 2014 at 8:25 PM Flag Quote & Reply

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