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Crimson DESTR0YA
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The tl;dr here is that I quit. Now that the actual substance of what I have to say is over with, if you're not interested in my reasoning or inner musings or just generally hate melodrama, you may move on. For everyone else...


Thank you. I think most of you know I'm going through some shit. I was betrayed and abandoned by the person I loved the most and thought felt the same, and I tried to kill myself over it. Afterwards I was formally hospitalized for about a week and am still undergoing outpatient care for generalized crazyperson disorder. I'm thoroughly medicated and self-medicated and I'm seeing a guy who thinks he can teach me what Epictetus, Voltaire, Nietzsche, and Way could not, the guns are all locked away, argle bargle herp derp I'm already tired of talking about how pathetic I am.


All I'm really trying to do is say something utterly unneccessary considering the "audience" here (if there were an audience, in fact, I would have cued a laughtrack at my very use of the word "audience"). X wants a revival but he always wants a revival because he's X and a fucking champ and a true trooper to the end. I just want to formally announce that even if it were possible, no, I just don't have that in me right now. There are too many ghosts here.


I guess that's what you guys are now, ghosts. Everyone here except for X, for whatever reason, just never stuck. With me, not just with PR. My heart still calls all of you friends but realistically, anyone who may read this message is probably best classified as a former friend. For you, I want to say I'm sorry. But also that I do have support. I am learning the magic of friendship, and I mean that as unironically as possible while still being ironic. Not just from close friends like X and my old friends from junior high. New friends too. I've taken to playing Bag Simulator 2014 with X's pal Gonzo, and Cloudy, a friend of a friend of a friend of Casey's. No really, 5 degrees of separation. They both barely know me but they keep coming back to play Payday with me. At a time when I feel about as worthless as possible without someone literally wiping their ass on me, that means a lot.


And I have a lot. Even as low as I feel right now I can't deny that. I was humbled in the hospital. I talked to people who were still tweaking off a substance that had a total hold on them. I don't have to worry about that. I knew people there who had to leave well before they were ready because they couldn't afford to stay any longer. I don't have to worry about that. I made good friends with a man who lost his children, and attempted suicide by cop in the middle of a freeway in Los Angeles. I can't even fathom that. I talked to as many people as I could, more than one of whom suffered from the same anxiety as me. I was so humbled I took it upon myself to speak up on their behalf when they couldn't, and I didn't even mind because I remember when that paralyzed me too. I still feel like dying, but there's not a soul there I'd wish to trade lives with. I had it better than everyone. It was a degree of humility I can only compare to how I think it must feel to meet God. If God exists, I think He's in people like that. Certainly more so than the people we'd call "happy" or "fortunate."


But as much as I have, I still need you. Not here; I can't come back here. If you want to keep doing stuff here without me, by all means you have my blessing. I'll hand the keys to the first person who volunteers to steer the ship. But if you want to help me, I don't need much. Just text me, or play something on Steam with me. Reach out to me however you can. I've been running from you, my friends, for so many years now, it took the tables being turned on me before I realized what I'd done. And I'm lucky to still have so many of you left but I need more.

And with you, I can build myself up again one last time. But not on you, nor anyone else. That was always my mistake before. No, this time, the foundation will be mine. I need your support, your guidance, even just your care, if you have it to give. But with you, I will build myself to be strong.


I've taken to Seras Victoria as an avatar because I aspire to be like her. As Alucard put it, her greatest strength was her desire to live. Even through unimaginable horrors, having every reason and ample opportunity to quit, she still clung to life. And through that very power, she found her strength. Every mortal wound made her stronger. That is what I aspire to be. And so I will leave you with my last of many avatar changes, and my favorite shot of Seras, in hopes that you'll all remember me likewise.

--

The destructor has gone

June 5, 2015 at 3:25 PM Flag Quote & Reply

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